In the fantasy genre, the dragon is most often the ultimate challenge for the hero on his quest, and the dragon’s defeat is symbolic of the knowledge and experience that the hero gained throughout his journey. Sure, that monster could be something else, like a Great King Vampire, or a Kraken, or even a just a concept, like addiction or fear. But dragons are a widespread and reoccurring device in that storytelling format, and they’re the monster of choice in the film I’m talking about, so let’s stick with that image.
My point is that dragons are serious business. They’re meant to be the most challenging part of the hero’s journey, so a dragon isn’t just going to roll over and let you stab him in the neck. I’ve played enough Dungeons and Dragons to know that these scaly beasts are stone-cold killers, and getting into a fight with one unprepared is practically suicide. They’re massive, durable, can cast magic, fly, and can shoot all kinds of crazy stuff from their mouths, like fire, acid, lightning, frost, and poison, among many other things. If you willingly get into a tussle with a dragon, you’re either a badass with balls the size of grapefruit, or you’re an unqualified idiot who has no idea what you’re doing. The main character of Dragonslayer is, unfortunately, the latter.
This guy is so boned.
Dragonslayer is about a dragon named Vermithtrax Pejorative (What a name, am I right?). This dragon’s a total b-word that ravages the kingdom of Urland whenever it wants. The desperate king of Urland, King Casiodorus (Peter Eyre), makes a deal with the dragon: He’ll set up a lottery twice a year that picks a random virgin girl to offer up as a sacrifice to the dragon. In exchange, Vermithtrax will chill out. Considering that the dragon turns out to be a simple-minded animal that can’t speak English, I have no idea how this exchange was commenced without the king immediately getting his head bitten off, but whatever.
So the inhabitants of Urland are understandably getting sick of sacrificing their virgin maidens to this winged parasite, so a group of townspeople, led by a guy (Or is he?!) named Valerian (Caitlin Clarke), go and seek out a sorcerer to solve their dragon problem. Namely, the last and best sorcerer in existence, an old dude named Ulrich (Ralph Richardson). Ulrich takes the job, but before he can leave, he’s mocked by a soldier from Urland named Tyrian (John Hallam).
God, I wish.
Tyrian gets all up in Ulrich’s face and mocks his abilities, because he’s seen Criss Angel on TV like a million times, and he knows how all the tricks work. So Ulrich’s like, “Okay. I’ll show you some of my magic. Stab me in the chest. I’ll survive.” And Tyrian’s all like “Seriously? You sure?” And Ulrich’s like “Yeah, totally. Do it.” So Tyrian stabs him in the chest, and Ulrich dies. And it’s hilarious, frankly.
“This’ll get us so many views on Youtube, man!
So now that the mighty wizard has been killed in the medieval equivalent of a Jackass segment, Ulrich’s apprentice Galen (Peter MacNicol), armed with his master’s magical amulet, decides to take the dragon-slaying mission on in his master’s absence. That’s right. Dr. Janosz Poha from Ghostbusters 2 is going to try to kill a dragon and save the day.
Not particularly, no.
I want to remind everybody that before he announces himself as the big, bad dragonslayer to the townspeople, the only spell we ever see him successfully cast is making tiny, unimpressive explosions, and making stuff float. Like an egg. Or a backpack. And he is insufferably proud of that fact, too. He shows up in front of the townspeople and is like, “Don’t worry everybody. I’m here. It’s cool. I’m the awesome sorcerer you’ve been looking for.” Dude, you’re going up against a DRAGON. You need a magic missile on your spell list before you consider even looking at a dragon!
Let’s hope that the dragon has an egg allergy .
In all seriousness, I get what this movie is trying to do. There is an attempt to take the monomythic fantasy archetypes we’re all familiar with, and turn them on their head. Instead of a kind, attractive, wanderlust filled hero, we have one who is overconfident, unimpressive, and prone to plenty of mistakes. Instead of traditional damsels in distress, we have some female characters who are slightly more progressive in their identity and roles than your usual fantasy fare. Instead of an evil king with no real motive, we have a misguided king who has a semi-decent explanation for his questionable actions.
The keyword here, however, is attempting. Just because they try, it doesn’t mean they succeed. Galen and Valerian may be the opposite of their established tropes, but that doesn’t necessarily make their characters better. Galen is still obnoxiously overconfident and doesn’t learn from his journey or mistakes, Valerian’s reverts to a standard damsel in distress by about the halfway point of the film and doesn’t learn anything, and King Casiodorus doesn’t learn anything, period. The overall plot of the movie is pretty weak. It has a boring middle that meanders for an unacceptable amount of time, and plot twists that are either unimpressive or laughably stupid.
It doesn’t help that the acting from the entire cast is pretty weak as well. The dialogue is stilted, and the actors don’t deliver their lines with any weight or gusto. It’s hard to believe in any motivation or ideal that the characters believe in if the actors themselves don’t seem to care. I believed in the dragon’s acting ability the most, and it can’t even talk!
WHARRGARBL
Speaking of the dragon, let’s talk about her, because sweet Jiminy Christmas, she looks beautiful! If there’s any reason you should see Dragonslayer, Vermithtrax Pejorative is it.
In my eyes, it’s the most magnificent cinematic interpretation of a dragon in the history of movie dragons, alongside Dragon Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty, Fafnir in Die Nibelungen, and the many dragon designs in the How to Train Your Dragon series. I have to applaud the animators, designers, and the special effects crew that brought this thing to life. The dragon was created using multiple filmmaking techniques, from a life-sized model to much smaller models, to an experimental form of stop motion. The end result only proves that practical effects can not only do the same job that CGI can, but it can also exceed it. It’s larger than life; it’s mean, it’s scary, it breathes actual fire, it’s a marvel of cinematic production design. In layman’s terms, it looks BADASS.
“I warned you about those spicy chicken fajita’s, bro!”
If you’re a production or creature design geek, then Dragonslayer is something you’ll want to check out. But if you’re looking for a fun fantasy movie with a strong script and cast, don’t bother looking here. In fact, fast forward through the film until the dragon shows up. Watch that, and consider it a short film. Now you’ve got a good movie.
The Bard of the Reel 