It feels odd to me that Dungeons & Dragons have had little to no representation in film despite its popularity, longevity, and influence. TSR, Gary Gygax’s publishing company, produced the Dungeons & Dragons cartoon in the 1980s, which wasn’t phenomenal, but it did well enough to argue that they could have used it as a springboard into Hollywood just in time for the 1980s fantasy boom, but they never did. How many Dungeons & Dragons movies can you think of? The only ones that come to my mind are the made-for-TV Moral Panic movie Mazes and Monsters from 1982 starring a young Tom Hanks (Yes, that is actually a thing, I am not messing with you), a straight-to-video adaptation of Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight from 2008 starring Kiefer Sutherland (YES, that is ACTUALLY a THING, I am NOT MESSING with you), and then, of course, there’s the infamous bomb that was the Dungeons & Dragons movie from 2000, and thinking about all three of those things at the same time made me throw up in my mouth a little bit.
Oh Jesus, I can’t believe that was a thing, I WISH I was messing with you…
But because we live in a world where nerdy crap is cool now (and more profitable), Hollywood and Wizards of the Coast have blessed the public with the first big-budget D&D movie in twenty-three years! I’ll be honest; I thought there would be a good chance this wouldn’t be that great. It had the same kind of marketing as an MCU movie. If it were, say, 2015, then I would have been pretty excited for a D&D movie in that Guardians of the Galaxy/heist movie style. Now the formula is so old and tired that it’s practically receiving a stimulus check every month. I could not be less turned off by a movie like that nowadays, especially with the constantly forced MCU-style jokes. The trailer had a couple of those, which did not fill me with confidence. But because I’m a fan of D&D, I was curious to see exactly how this would play out. So how did it play out? Surprisingly okay, actually.
The movie takes place in the Forgotten Realms campaign setting of D&D. It involves a band of thieves and adventurers who plan to steal an ancient magical relic called “The Tablet of Reawakening,” which can supposedly resurrect the dead, from a former associate and current Lord of Neverwinter Forge Fitzwilliam (Hugh Grant). Fitzwilliam also has a buttload of treasure and loot in his vaults, so snatching some of that while pilfering the tablet is also part of their plan. As befitting the role-playing game the movie is based on, all party members have different backstories and reasons why they want to steal from or stick it to Fitzwilliam. The bard Edgin Darvis (Chris Pine) intends to steal the tablet so he can resurrect his dead wife and regain the trust and love of his daughter Kira (Chloe Coleman), who has been in the care of Fitzwilliam since Edgin was put in prison for a heist that went south two years ago. Fitzwilliam has been whispering half-truths into Kira’s ear that her father abandoned her so she will remain under his paternal sway, which does not sit well with Edgin. The barbarian Holga Kilgore (Michelle Rodriguez) is good friends with Edgin and acts as a surrogate mother for Kira, so she cares a lot about their relationship and wants to see that fixed. Again though, the money doesn’t hurt either. The nebbish, amateur half-elf sorcerer Simon Aumar (Justice Smith) is probably the only person who doesn’t want to be there for fear of his life, but the party requires magical knowledge of some kind no matter how unwilling or pathetic since it’s the only chance they have to get into Fitzwilliam’s vaults, which are magically sealed. Also, Simon is desperate for money since his con man exploits haven’t worked well for him, leading back to the common motivational thread of greed. The only party member not interested in gold is Doric (Sophia Lillis), a tiefling druid primarily interested in stopping Fitzwilliam from plundering resources from the forest. She’s the Julia Butterfly Hill of the group, essentially. But instead of just living in a tree, she also can turn into an owlbear and disembowel you.
OR ELSE.
Oh wait, I kinda lied, there is one more party member who doesn’t care about money, and that’s Xenk Yendar (Regé-Jean Page), the lawful good and unreasonably attractive paladin who briefly joins the party to help them find a quest item called “The Helm of disjunction.” He’s the no-nonsense and no-fun stereotype that’s associated with most paladins. He’s helping the party because he believes their quest will save many lives, even though their methods and motivations are less than noble. So while he’s part of the group, he wants to ensure they’re as close to the straight and narrow as possible. He’s okay.
If it sounds like I’m talking about the characters a lot, it’s because that’s what a good percentage of D&D is about. Characters with stereotypical or archetypical personality traits and complex (or not-so-complex) backstories coming together to achieve a common goal. It’s important to establish character and give them clearly defined motivations in D&D because these are the people we’re going to be stuck with for a good chunk of time (the occasional death notwithstanding), and there’s a sense of personal pride that comes from seeing these characters get stronger, learn, and develop as people. They are, after all, you. And while the audience didn’t create the characters in this movie, the spirit of the concept is still grasped, better than any adaptation of D&D I’ve ever seen, in fact (Again, there aren’t that many, but let’s take the victories when we can). We got our main cast of good guys with different skills and ways to pitch in, and we got the bad guys doing bad stuff. So let’s pool our resources, make a plan, get into some scrapes, beat the bad guys, and have fun while doing it!
This sounds all fine and good, and it is, for the most part. But being me, I have some hang-ups. Let’s go back to characters real quick. I said that Dungeons & Dragons deal with archetypes and stereotypes. I got no problem with that in concept, but the thing about stereotypes is that they’re…..well, stereotypical. These characters are fine as they are, but they’re not exactly revelations in screenwriting. You got Edgin as the unintentional deadbeat dad who learns to let go of his tragic past, you got Holga as the violent brick shithouse who’s actually a big softie, Simon as the spineless nerd who learns a lesson of self-confidence by the end, the tree hugger who learns that humans aren’t all bad as they seem in Doric, and then you have the ol’ variation of the classic Final Fantasy trope: “We’ve been expecting this one person to be the main villain, but it turns out there’s a secret/secondary villain who’s been helping the main villain and has actually been the real villain all along, and they’ve just been biding their time.”
Y’know, that old chestnut.
It’s a pretty cliche movie, is what I’m saying. The characters’ faults are pretty clear-cut, and it’s obvious what they’ll need to do to overcome them. Are these cliches painful? No, it’s just not exactly the most mentally stimulating material. It’s very possible that writers like R.A. Salvatore have spoiled me, and I’m expecting Shakespeare from an Ocean’s movie. I just would have preferred something with a bit more meat to it.
That being said, a couple of pleasant surprises were thrown my way, bumping this movie to “slightly above average” for me. For one thing, it wasn’t totally unfunny like I was afraid it would be. Not every joke hits, and it still has a little bit of that self-aware MCU-style humor I’ve grown to hate, but they’re a minority, and they don’t hurt that bad. The bulk of the comedy revolves around the party communicating with each other and making plans on the fly to get whatever they need or get where they need to go. First, they make a Plan A, which doesn’t work, so they make a Plan B, which also doesn’t work, so they go back to Plan A, but one of the characters says, “Why are we going back to Plan A, it didn’t work the first time” to which the person who made up Plan A and B says “Because it has one minor difference, so it should work this time.” The other member states, “Well, why don’t you call it Plan C then,” and the conversation goes from there. It’s the kind of quirky dialogue you might expect to hear from a bunch of nerds who are playing D&D and trying to figure out what their next move is, and they’re spitballing ideas at each other and getting into arguments about it. This is a hit-or-miss type of comedy because it reinforces the fact the main characters are aimless and actively trying to find the plot. But I personally got some mild enjoyment watching these characters bounce off each other, come up with plans and contingency plans, argue about the efficacy of those plans, and use their brains and brawn in combat. There’s also a funny scene at a graveyard where they can ask only five questions to a magically revived corpse. And there’s also an unexpectedly hilarious insight into Holga’s romantic past. They got a good chuckle out of me, I’ll admit.
There’s also an uninterrupted and creative sequence of Doric using her wild shape ability, a clever use of a teleportation staff to break into a vault, and a fun little excursion into the Underdark that involves a fat red dragon. The movie isn’t a big surprise regarding its main storytelling structure. But there are some steps in between that are pretty entertaining. With all that being said, we’ve got a movie that’s fairly predictable, albeit with some minor exceptions, the comedy is hit or miss, and it’s an all-around safe, above-average adaptation of a Dungeons & Dragons campaign setting. In other words, it’s the best Dungeons & Dragons movie we’ve ever had and will probably ever get. I don’t know if I should feel happy or sad about that. And to those who aren’t D&D fans and just want to see a basic fantasy heist movie, you’ll probably like this fine. And hey, whether you like it or not, it’ll be over in a couple of hours, unlike most campaigns.
Oh yeah, and I never cared about the owlbear/wild shape “controversy.” Have a mimosa and relax, nerds. It’s not worth it.
The Bard of the Reel 